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awkward is my specialty

and there you have it. My secret is out... awkward is my specialty. This is a subject that gives me less and less anxiety as the years pass me by. This is also a THING that caused me MASSIVE anxiety as a teen. I felt very inadequate in pretty much all I sought to do and I also felt as Pink put it so eloquently "MISSUNDAZTOOD". To belabor the point with more 80's colloquialism like a "square peg in a round hole"...

Why do you suppose its gotten easier as I've gotten older? I would answer, its by design. God has an amazing plan that unfolds in sometimes mysterious and miraculous ways and it's most astonishing at times to be sure (sometimes the shock awe and wonder are over how in the heck i actually made it to this point). I used to muse rather stoically that "Gods wounded often made his strongest soldiers" while choosing the path of greatest resistance purposely- WTH? Dropping out of High School at 17 (the summer I had made the Pom squad mind you) and shacking up with my then boyfriend who was an emancipated minor and had only ADULT co-dependant friends was a real Miracle Gro of sorts. At that age, I can remember all the feels:" If this is what love is, count me out! It is too painful"... and who can forget "I can't do ANYTHING right! All i do is cause those who love me pain..." OR "I'll never be smart enough, pretty enough or anything like those POPULAR girls who are 'sunshine and orange juice'" and finally "what is the use anyway-I give up."

YEPERDOODLES-even that dark time, the time in which I wrote some of the most morose, deep, riveting poetry as a teen served and STILL SERVES a purpose. There was a great poet who said; "I am a part of all that I have met", I believe it was Alfred, Lord Tennyson. What that has meant to me over the years has remained consistent. God designed EVERY SINGLE ENCOUNTER WITH EVERY SINGLE PERSON for ME so that I would become EXACTLY who i am today FOR HIS GLORY. Okay, I admit, maybe as a teen I did not believe God was the grand designer of my life- I was really searching ya'll. Even studied Buddhism, Judaism, Protestantism and finally found God in my Catholicism (much like C.S. Lewis)- but that's a sidebar. My point is, I am the girl who questioned EVERYTHING- GOD, AUTHORITY, LIFE, LOVE and the UNIVERSE. But i rest on this- nothing is by accident and EVERYTHING is by design. All of the good, the bad and the ugly is so--just because we label it that way- WE CHOOSE IT and guess what??? it all ends just fine. I am living proof- as are you, I bet... if you think about it. You see, God is a master designer- and all of the ugly is made BEAUTIFUL in the tapestry of our lives as its woven in with PURPOSE. Treat your problems as GIFTS. You are a set of parentheses in this, in GODs, infinite timeline...What are you doing during your time?

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